1/22/2019 it is almost a year since little Lo broke my water and I was admitted into the hospital. I’ve never experienced what I did while in the hospital for those three weeks but the word that sums it all up is traumatizing. So now that it has been a year that has passed, the memories come back. I remember being stuck in bed, not allowed to walk because that would possibly put me in labor, scared each time I woke up in the morning because I wanted Lo to be safe. Each day in that hospital was more traumatizing then the previous day and I got through it. I got through the C-section, I got through the pain, the tears, the fact that I still looked pregnant six months after having Lo and having to go through my stomach being drained. I went through all of that and still my son went through even more. I can’t believe Lo is about to be a year old. I can’t believe how well he is developing as a premature boy. It does suck at times to see kids younger than him weigh more, be more advanced but my kid is so much stronger in ways I couldn’t even imagine.
This entire year has tested me as a woman and as a mother. You don’t realize how much your parents do for you until you’re the one doing it for your kids. You sacrifice so much for them to give them the best life that they will ever know. I would do anything for him and it is an endless love. Lo has shown me so much love within this past year that I finally healed from demons that were deep inside of me because of that little smile and the way he throws himself on me knowing that I am his mom.
PPD is a real thing among mothers. I was struggling so much to love myself while caring for my boy and knowing that he needed my all. I’m glad to say I had an amazing support system and people always in my corner when I needed it. As my little turns a year, I reminisce on the past year. I see this little boy who was not even a thought in my mind previously, knowing that I possibly could not have kids, who made me a mother for the first time. Who is an amazing and special little boy no matter now crazy he drives me. I wouldn’t change this for the world. The first year is always the hardest but it gets harder in the upcoming years with falls, bruises, making sure that they are on the right path, making sure they are safe and I only know that this is the beginning of being a Boy Mom.
Hey everyone! Did you miss me? I know I missed writing and now it’s so hard to find time to actually sit down and write because of Mister Logan but I’m here! I’m five months postpartum on Saturday and things have been crazy!
Logan is five months on Saturday. I can’t believe it, I’ve been a mother for FIVE months. There are times I want to rip my hair out, times that I feel that I’m doing everything wrong, times that I can’t even console him… but then, there are days where his smile lights up my whole world, his laughs brighten up my day, when his huge eyes just stare at me and then he begins to smile is when I know I’m the best mother I could be for him. He had a rough beginning. For 51 days he was in the NICU, thankfully he was extremely strong and surpassed every thought that I had and stood most of the time just waiting to start feeding from a bottle. When I thought he wasn’t going to get out of the NICU by the time my disability was going to end, he surprised me and came out of the NICU about 3 days before I was scheduled to start my paid family leave time so he surprised me none the least. Logan has gone from this 3 pound baby, who barely cried and opened his eyes, to this 12 pound carnivore who screams when he wants to be fed and never has his eyes shut unless he is sleeping. Being a preemie mother is hard, the trauma of not being able to take your little home meanwhile you get to rest every night in your bed is hard but now he’s been home for three months and has been the center of attention. It’s amazing how much I could love another being and always talk about him and show people pictures of this cute little twin I have.
As for my condition, I was very sick after Lo was born. I had bile fluid in my stomach which made me look 6 months pregnant still, I was extremely anemic to the point the doctors were terrified for me, I had a scare in which my nose didn’t stop bleeding for about 12 hours from a tiny scratch in my nostril and I had to go through a few ER visits. I had a procedure called paracentesis which is when they use a HUGE damn needle to remove fluid from my stomach. It hurt, I was awake, and I NEVER want to go through that again. But after that along with water pills that my doctor prescribed me, I lost 50 pounds. I was 180 and now I am down to a steady 130 which is 10 pound less than what I was pre-pregnancy. My condition is currently stable, I am following up with my doctors every 3 months and I am finally trying to switch to new blood thinning medication in which I will not have to go get my blood checked every single week. So here’s to hoping that the new medication works for my liver and me.
I promise I won’t disappear anymore and I’ll be on top of this blog like Logan is on his bottles!
Peace, Love & Lo
Logan is here. My beautiful baby boy is here. It was a long road but he’s healthy and amazing.
Let’s just start by this, every Tuesday or Wednesday while I was in the hospital logan would act up. Contractions, Pains, Different color amniotic fluid, anything this kid could do to stress me out.. he did. February 13th, I woke up with a different color amniotic fluid and once again I thought… eh false alarm. They put me on the baby monitor and saw Logan’s heartbeat continue to drop and go up again. So they transferred Erik and I to Labor and Delivery to be monitored even more. At this point, I was exhausted and nervous. We went back and forth with the doctors.. until they reached a final decision at about 4 pm. They would induce me, start labor and I would deliver Logan natural. Now seeing as I was on blood thinners, the doctors had to wait until 11 pm to put me on a different kind of blood thinner that would be easily stopped. Then proceed to put in the epidural at around the same time. So … 11 rolls around and I get a nice epidural catheter in my back. Let me just tell you.. epidurals fucking huuuuurt! Erik said he heard me screaming from down the hall but that’s completely not my fault. I have 0 pain tolerance and I let everyone know that in advance. But the epidural drug is definitely a great pain relief. I was in and out of sleep all night, felt no pain, and I was in heaven. Let’s fast forward to about 3:30 pm on February 14th when they decided to dilate me a bit more and stick a water balloon in me to open my cervix. First of all, that should be a torture routine and not a way to “help”. I felt my stomach blow up and holy moly was that painful. Once they took it out, my epidural was wearing off so I had to ask for more which is when I started to feel back to back contractions. This is about the part where Logan and I both go into distress. Doctors running in left and right, turning me every which way, having me scared out of my mind, and wondering what the hell just happened. About 10 minutes later, they got Erik scrubbed in and me… ready to go into an emergency c-section. At this point, I was furious because I had told them that c-section would be the way no matter what and they kept insisting for a natural birth. I went into the O.R, shaking, crying and upset because I was scared. They drugged me up enough that I would not feel my stomach or lower. Once they finally finished the drugs, went over the O.R plan, they brought Erik in where I began to start throwing up from the anesthesia. They opened me up, rearranged some of my parts and grabbed my son.. once Erik and I heard his cries… we knew he was alright and once the nurse said he was a squirmy one… I knew our child was perfect. I didn’t get to do skin-to-skin, I didn’t get to hold my child, Erik got to see him.. take pictures.. and be close to him. I got to touch his nose and see his beautiful face.
Our birth story isn’t a great one. It’s more along the lines of dramatic because of course he is mine and Erik’s son. We decided not to post any pictures of him yet because we are enjoying this time with our son. My baby is a preemie so I believe that is something only to be shared with close family members.
The days aren’t easy. I was cut up and recovery is a long road. I have my son, and I have my pups. That’s all I need. 💕
Logan would not be mine and Erik’s son without a little drama right?
Logan broke my water on January 27th. Since I’ve never been pregnant, I immediately thought to myself, AWW DAMN THIS IS WHAT THEY MEAN HOW YOU CAN’T CONTROL YOUR BLADDER! But no, after I fell asleep I woke up several times throughout the night with my pants soaking wet. I knew after about 3 times that this was not normal and I had to get it checked immediately. Erik and I woke up the next morning with my sour puss face because I had to go get an ultrasound for my liver so I couldn’t eat and I specifically told him, “I think my water broke.” He looked at me like I was crazy and said that I had just peed on myself and to stop overreacting. One thing you cannot tell me to do is not to overreact because that’s when I overreact even more! We went to my first appointment and while there, they told me they could not do my ultrasound because I required a doctor present so I had to reschedule. While rescheduling, I felt another gush of water rush down and I knew I was not going crazy. I looked at Erik with the saddest face and once again he just told me I was having accidents and stop over reacting. We rushed to the Labor and Delivery portion of my hospital and taking into triage automatically. A doctor came in to look me over, do a couple of tests and within the half hour she told me, “Yes, you broke your water.” Erik and I glanced at one another and had a moment of freaking out silently between us. I’m extremely early and my water broke, was all I could think about. Once again, me being the naïve first time preggo, I thought I would immediately go into labor. Oh no, you don’t. If and once you break your water, if contractions do not start then you could be stuck like I am. I was immediately admitted and felt like a failure. I told myself over and over, why couldn’t one thing be perfect, why couldn’t I go for my full (induced) day like I had planned? My family rushed over and so did Erik’s family and we were all in shock. A few doctors came in to speak to us regarding what this truly meant and how it would be proceeded then on. My head was a mess and I was entirely confused. The past week, we had a couple of scares in which I began to have contractions and go into labor but they stopped it, I’ve had to take steroid injections for Logan’s little lungs (which hurt like you would not believe it), Erik and I have been told so many different things that we both became extremely overwhelmed and upset, and Logan keeps going further and further down, making me ready to pop. Currently, I’m stuck here until our baby boy either decides to come out on his own and make me go into labor, he goes into distress, or I get extremely sick. The maximum amount of time I have here is 6 weeks, so one week has already passed and five more weeks of hospitalization has commenced just like when the groundhog sees his shadow on groundhogs day. Erik has been the rock in all of this keeping me as calm as he can and also keeping me busy while being here. He’s been joking with me and keeping my spirits up high seeing as though I really do not want a lot of visitors. All I can look at it as my son is still cooking in my belly and he’s where he needs to be to not be an intense preemie. But as I am telling everyone in my family, this boy will never ever live this down because hospitals are my least favorite place.
Logan, Mommy & Daddy adore you so much and we are ready for you whenever you are baby boy.
I know, I know. I have been super-duper M.I.A. It’s technically NOT my fault, due to Christmas, planning my baby shower, New Year’s, my birthday, and then doctor’s visits and registering for my Spring Semester. My life is one hectic ball of fluff. It is no excuse for me to stop writing since writing is the best way that I vent and also you know about chronic illnesses/being pregnant. It always comes across that I am complaining about my pregnancy because I am in pain but it’s the furthest thing from that. I am so excited that I am pregnant and I get to hold my little cub in a few months due to his premature nature unfortunately. I’m constantly itchy due to the cholestasis of pregnancy and I’ve bled out a little too much from time to time due to my inability to stop scratching. I never knew a pain until there was an itch that wouldn’t go away no matter how much I scratched at it and boy… was I in tears after. I want Logan out just for the simple fact that maybe, possibly, hopefully I would NOT be itchy and boom I’d feel 10x better. But let the little one cook in my belly oven and kung fu panda my ribs and stomach every two seconds… its fine. I had my burst of energy that every pregnant woman speaks about and now time for the downfall of sleepiness and drowsiness. During the work-day, I am exhausted. I fall asleep on the train now on my way to and from work and I cannot stop it. But once I get home and finally curl into bed, it’s brutal to even try to get myself to sleep. Like WHAT TYPE OF NONSENSE IS THIS? Granted, if it stays this way, then while Erik is home during the day after Logan is born, I can sleep and I can be up with Logan throughout the night. But we will see how that turns out. Another current peeve of mine is cakes and how expensive they are. If I knew how expensive a cake would turn out to be then I would have taken my cake decorating class a little more serious. I’ve gotten prices of 1,000, 960, 780, and 480. Like … whaaaat! The one I really, really wanted was 960 and I’m still trying to justify it in my mind but I can’t. *Shrugs*
My condition has not made this easy on me at all. Each day I feel like poo and with all the medications, its really draining. I take five different meds and I hate it so much. Once Logan comes out, i know i’ll be monitored like crazy and change back from injections to pills but it will be a long, hard process after he’s cut out of me. Everyone I come across that does not know my condition even says, oh wait until the second one. Like, what second one? Logan was a miracle. He is a miracle. He’s the one thing I needed when I needed it the most. I can’t have another child so Logan will be the best part of me. My miracle.
Life has been getting more surreal each day. The Baby Shower is one month away *EEEEEEEEEEP* and I have yet to start Logan’s nursery *BIGGER EEEEEP* I just have no energy anymore. Everything hurts constantly. I’ve wanted to write sooner, but when I get home I just want to plop down on my bed (currently a couch) and just fall asleep but pregnancy insomnia has gotten to me and I am up all night and I want to sleep all day. Each day I am getting nervous that I am becoming someone’s MOM but I cannot wait to hold my little cub where he is safe, in my arms.
This week was a very interesting one. Both my doctors (Liver and High-Risk) both told me interesting news to say the least. Let’s start with high-risk. We spoke last week on my bile acid and it’s affects. My little cub will now be born crazy early. I mean I knew this was coming because I am a high-risk but it just sucks to hear at the end of the day because it’s like you want everything to go perfectly and you don’t want anything happening, especially when you can not control it. If it was happening to me, then yeah okay fine… the fact that this now affects my son… yeah, crazy momma bear came out. I will be induced and scheduled to deliver him. So sometime around February or March, that’s when I’ll know when, where, and what time Logan will be coming out. I’m nervous about the induction because I’ve heard a couple of different ways that they can induce you and I have 0 pain tolerance. So, believe me when I say, I will ask for ALL THE DRUGS! I don’t stay still when I am in pain and I will pull away at every chance I get so they better give me a damn bear tranquilizer to calm my ass down. I guess it sucks that I won’t be able to naturally have my water break and freak out at 3 am while scrambling around to get to the hospital but then again I think I’d rather be safe than sorry. Since they will need a liver specialist, my high-risk team, blood specialist… i would rather be closely monitored than a free bird. Now, I am super close with my liver doctor. He was around since 2011 and he’s the only doctor I’ve kept around because of how serious he takes my condition. I can ask him real questions and he will tell me real answers even if it’ll make me cry. So the first question was if a natural birth or a c-section was better. He explained to me in patients with coagulation difficulties there is no data to back up a natural birth. So he will be surprised if they were to deliver me that way. With a c-section, they’ll be able to stop any excessive bleeding and be able to monitor how much blood I will lose, but they could also cut a part that will make me bleed even more. So both parts are equally as scary but a c-section is definitely the way I’m gonna be going. I am too high-risk to put my baby at any risk. I was a c-section baby and it saved my life. I’ve heard moms battling about natural and c-section saying that c-section is “the easy way out.” Bruh? Do you not see that scar that comes with it?!? I’m terrified for after because of course I’ve been doing my research and I know I’m gonna be in a hell of a lot of pain and I feel so bad for my parents and Erik. (GOOD LUCK TO YOU THREE AND I’M SORRY IN ADVANCE) I’ll also have to stay in the hospital longer than a regular c-section birth which is 4 Days, I’ll be in the hospital for let’s say a week, week and a half. They’ll have to monitor my blood loss, monitor my liver function, stabilize me back on my medication and also make sure that I can function. Plus lots of sonograms, MRIs, cat-scans of my liver (oh joy, like a baby ain’t gonna come right outta there). It’s definitely been a week of information and lots of emotions flying around with my OCD and my need to research every little bit of what’s going to be happening. Logan will come early, but I know my little cub will be fine.
I can’t wait to meet you our cub;
*photo taken by PocketPhotoz *
So I know I’ve been gone for quite some time and I apologize. From Thanksgiving, to Work, to appointments, to school, to now planning Christmas and my baby shower… I am exhausted. I have to say one thing for sure, all the mommas out there… people do not give enough credit where it’s due. Since this is my first and all, I did not know the pain, agony, restless nights, and overthinking that comes with being pregnant. I told my mother yesterday, I do not praise that woman enough for carrying me into the world because being pregnant is no friggin joke. With my case, as this blog is about, it is 10 times harder. I wake up in the morning and some mornings I feel amazing. Other mornings, I just want to lay in bed and sleep until the pain goes away. To add on top of everything else, I’m not just in injections any longer. I was diagnosed with Cholestasis of Pregnancy and it just means my bile acid is through the roof and the baby could be hurt but my doctor said peanut is a super low risk of being harmed. I’m also on baby aspirin to fight another common pregnancy called Eclampsia. So now on top of injecting myself twice a day, I take baby aspirin, two pills for my bile acid and prenatals. As I said, this isn’t easy. High Risk Pregnancies are no joke as well. I’m so exhausted by being in the doctors office every.single.week and I know after peanut comes it’ll be the same too but still. The bed is my favorite place to be in the world and sweatpants are my best friends but if you knew me pre-pregnancy you know 1. I would NEVER be caught in sweatpants outside and 2. I would NEVER leave my house looking like a raccoon or without makeup. I have mastered the both of those things now because it takes so much energy and time to put myself together that I just cannot do it every day or even months. I rarely do my makeup and I rarely ever put on clothes that look nice because I just feel like crap 95% of the time. Honestly, I thought pregnancy was a walk in the park but that’s because most people don’t show the nitty gritty side to it because it frigging sucks!!!
Counting down until Peanut comes out