So I know I’ve been gone for quite some time and I apologize. From Thanksgiving, to Work, to appointments, to school, to now planning Christmas and my baby shower… I am exhausted. I have to say one thing for sure, all the mommas out there… people do not give enough credit where it’s due. Since this is my first and all, I did not know the pain, agony, restless nights, and overthinking that comes with being pregnant. I told my mother yesterday, I do not praise that woman enough for carrying me into the world because being pregnant is no friggin joke. With my case, as this blog is about, it is 10 times harder. I wake up in the morning and some mornings I feel amazing. Other mornings, I just want to lay in bed and sleep until the pain goes away. To add on top of everything else, I’m not just in injections any longer. I was diagnosed with Cholestasis of Pregnancy and it just means my bile acid is through the roof and the baby could be hurt but my doctor said peanut is a super low risk of being harmed. I’m also on baby aspirin to fight another common pregnancy called Eclampsia. So now on top of injecting myself twice a day, I take baby aspirin, two pills for my bile acid and prenatals. As I said, this isn’t easy. High Risk Pregnancies are no joke as well. I’m so exhausted by being in the doctors office every.single.week and I know after peanut comes it’ll be the same too but still. The bed is my favorite place to be in the world and sweatpants are my best friends but if you knew me pre-pregnancy you know 1. I would NEVER be caught in sweatpants outside and 2. I would NEVER leave my house looking like a raccoon or without makeup. I have mastered the both of those things now because it takes so much energy and time to put myself together that I just cannot do it every day or even months. I rarely do my makeup and I rarely ever put on clothes that look nice because I just feel like crap 95% of the time. Honestly, I thought pregnancy was a walk in the park but that’s because most people don’t show the nitty gritty side to it because it frigging sucks!!!
Counting down until Peanut comes out
*TRIGGER WARNINGS; Suicide*
As you all know this is the popular Logic song that’s out now. What some people do not know, is that it’s the suicide prevention hotline. In this song, logic starts off in a first person perspective of how he is feeling, how he is out of his mind and his life is not his. It starts off in the perspective of someone who isn’t happy with their life and maybe thinking of suicide.
Then it transforms into second person on how he sings that he wants the other person to stay alive and they do not have to die. While including Alessia Cara’s soft voice, she sings that things are not easy but you can pull yourself back up. This song has spiked up so many calls to the Suicide Prevention Hotline that it has been possibly life-changing for some.
Now, why am I blogging about this? As to be open as possible on my blog, I have had suicidal thoughts. I know people who have as well. Life isn’t easy, life is really fucking hard. Taking everything all at one is really tough on a person and they might not have the ability to reach out to people or believe that others may judge them. I always felt alone, in such a hole that I could not dig myself out. I started getting deeper into my suicidal thoughts once I was diagnosed. I told myself, who wants to live like this? Who honestly wants to feel so useless and hopeless with a condition that will not be fixed? I would become depressed, trying to go out to heal my depression but just got further and further into my depression that it intensified until I knew I couldn’t think like this. Life is filled with so many great, amazing things to be thinking of how you would want to hurt yourself. You have to pick yourself up and tell yourself that you can do it and you are stronger then you could ever imagine being. Life will become beautiful for you, life is hard but it’s how you take it which makes you stronger and stronger each day.
So to anyone who was ever thinking, currently thinking… just know that people love you, people will be there for you to pick you back up. There are good humans in this crazy world that just want to make others happy and want to make sure others are okay before themselves. Keep your chin up and if anyone ever needs to talk, my inbox is always available.
Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle.
• Christian D. Larson
Remember when you were a young child, you had no cares about anything in this world but being happy and goofy, when did that change? A more important question then that is why did it change? At what point did we say to ourselves, what other people think of us and how we act, how we talk, how we hold ourselves to the highest standards, why should all of this matter? What happened to unbelievably, child-like happiness? What happened to just doing anything and everything for yourself change into making sure others are happy in your life? Do not get me mistaken, I love when my family and friends are happy but should I sacrifice my own happiness for something that I am not following?
Now a days, no one asks if you’re happy. No one asks you how you feel in your own being. They simply just make sure they are content in their own life and that you also follow their happiness path. When did stopping someone’s happiness become the social norm? When did being a goofy weird person become such a dislike? I love being my crazy, goofy self! I love making faces, saying the weirdest things ever and making people smile. I love seeing smiles on my friends and families face. I love seeing everyone and anyone achieve any type of happiness. You got a promotion? Let’s celebrate. You graduated? Let’s go out and party it up! You’re having a baby? Let me know if I can help you with anything. You just had a damn good day at work? Let’s go get dinner and continue this happy day together.
One big thing about having a chronic illness or being sick in general, any little thing that can set your mood off, can affect your entire being. Whenever I am stressed out, best believe it that I will get sick. Whenever any negativity sets foot in my life, it effects my mood, it transforms me into someone I hate being and someone I would prefer to never be. I do not want to walk around life filled with hate and negativity, yet I want to embrace what life gives me and how amazing life can be if you let it. I’m going to live my life in the best possible way that I can and I won’t let anyone stop me from my happiness. Go outside, enjoy others company, be truly happy in whatever you set your heart to do and believe that people will be there to support you and keep you on track with your true happiness. ❤️
W.A.Y.S. // Jhene Aiko
Happy – Leona Lewis
* I do not own credits to featured picture*
when I was a young girl, I always thought I was one of the boys. I would play football, baseball, try to play basketball, I would wear baggy clothes and always hurt myself one way or another. While you’re young, you think that if you can get back up after you hurt yourself, that’s strength, that’s you being unbelievably strong. What you don’t know is once you start getting older, being strong comes in the form of heartbreaks, losing friends, going through life changing events, or getting through life through the most difficult times you can possibly imagine. You have to fight with everything you have to keep standing strong, you put your mind to something and you keep that goal in your mind knowing that this is where you have to get to, that is where you need to be. For most people with chronic illnesses, every day you wake up being as strong as you can. You fight each and every day to wake up and make it through the day. I’ve realized in time that I’m a fighter. I have fought over and over again for my health, my sanity, my peace. Most people may think I’m not strong but I’m stronger then you could ever imagine. I fight with all my power and all my might to achieve the things I need or want done. You have to keep pushing and you have to keep fighting for what you want and deserve. This does not just go for chronically ill either, this goes for everyone who struggles, anyone who doesn’t feel strong enough, anyone who needs that little bit of hope to get them through the day, well this is it. Everyone is strong in their own way and can battle any obstacle that comes in front of them no matter how hard or tough life might get. Keep pushing through and never give up because you might think it’s the end of life as you know it or feel like it but it’s not. The only way to continue to go is up.
Keep being strong,
while speaking to one of my close friends, I took a look back at my condition.
I always hear how strong I can be, how amazing it is that I let nothing get in my way, how I never stop living my life to the fullest. It’s great to hear don’t get me wrong but just with those statements bring me back to the main reasonings why I have to be so strong, why nothing can get in my way, why I have to be insanely obsessed with what brings me peace and also how selfish with my own time I have to be. I will be completely honest, any day I can wake up sicker and back in the hospital, any day this sickness can turn into my worst enemy and become something that can be worse for my body. I always have to keep that in mind and no one wants to wake up feeling like they are a burden on themselves or anyone else. What I have noticed over time is that my parents take the worst of my burden. When your child is born, you just want them to be healthy and grow up healthy. My parents ended up with a sick child. Endless doctors’ visits, endless hospital visits, medication that you cannot even pronounce half of the damn time, needles, surgeries and whatever else you can name. I cannot even explain how much both of my parents have gone through just with me being sick. I admire them so much and nothing would ever change that in my mind. From long nights in the hospital to unexpected calls begging to go to the hospital, my parents always put me first. But it can take a toll on them, it can be overwhelming. When you’re sick, you don’t just worry about yourself but you also worry about everyone around you and how they accept it. Some accept it perfectly and some think you’re lying half of the time when you have to cancel plans or when you have no energy to even get out of bed. Those are the kinds of people I hate, no I’m not lying but then again I have nothing to prove to those people because they don’t know how I’m feeling on the inside and they don’t carry this burden with them. Even as I sit here writing this, I look back on every trial and tribulation I’ve had to go through at such a young age and it is exhausting. Some days I have breakdowns in which I wish my life was never like this and other days I feel like a warrior princess who can take on any battle if I can handle it. Living with any disease is like being on a roller coaster ride with a blindfold on half of the time. You never know what’s coming and you don’t know whether you’ll go up or drop down. I applaud people with chronical illnesses, with diseases, with any little tricky thing going on in their body because all of us are stronger then we could ever imagine being.
With Strength & Concentration,
*image does not belong to me. Found on geniusquote.org*
Depression: feelings of severe despondency and dejection.
Depression is an extremely sensitive subject. Most people brush it off, most people deny that they even have it, and others…. take the situation into their own hands. Depression is not a game. It is not something you can just push to the back of your mind and act as if it is not there. It’s real and it’s dark.
For me, depression is a dark cloud that just covers my judgment and I try to swat it away with always going out. It does not help what so ever. Being alone, with depression can lead you into deep memories or deep thoughts that send you into a breakdown. Luckily for me, I have severe anxiety, I get emotional breakdowns and when I’m depressed… it ends up feeling as if the entire world is against me and I won’t be able to break out of it. You can fight, fight, fight, but what good is the fighting if it leads you nowhere? The same thing happens when you try to avoid it all together and you just end up running yourself into a corner, staring it straight into the face and eventually giving in to the dark cloud. I’ve seen people actually be judged for being depressed and I have also been one of them that have been judged and it’s another kick me while I’m already down feeling. For me, I am lucky to have family and friends by my side doing no matter what it is to keep me going. Even though I am a huge loner when I am in one of my funks, no one ever leaves my side.
Depression is definitely a real thing to talk about. It’s a real thing to deal with in general because the person who is going through it just feels like they are in quicksand and there is no way out. But, from experience, there are ways out. There are so many other options and hobbies to dive into that you end up experiencing life. My biggest depression fixer is my little guy. It must have been fate that brought him and I together but every day I come home to his face and I know that I’m always perfect in his little eyes.