Logan is here. My beautiful baby boy is here. It was a long road but he’s healthy and amazing.
Let’s just start by this, every Tuesday or Wednesday while I was in the hospital logan would act up. Contractions, Pains, Different color amniotic fluid, anything this kid could do to stress me out.. he did. February 13th, I woke up with a different color amniotic fluid and once again I thought… eh false alarm. They put me on the baby monitor and saw Logan’s heartbeat continue to drop and go up again. So they transferred Erik and I to Labor and Delivery to be monitored even more. At this point, I was exhausted and nervous. We went back and forth with the doctors.. until they reached a final decision at about 4 pm. They would induce me, start labor and I would deliver Logan natural. Now seeing as I was on blood thinners, the doctors had to wait until 11 pm to put me on a different kind of blood thinner that would be easily stopped. Then proceed to put in the epidural at around the same time. So … 11 rolls around and I get a nice epidural catheter in my back. Let me just tell you.. epidurals fucking huuuuurt! Erik said he heard me screaming from down the hall but that’s completely not my fault. I have 0 pain tolerance and I let everyone know that in advance. But the epidural drug is definitely a great pain relief. I was in and out of sleep all night, felt no pain, and I was in heaven. Let’s fast forward to about 3:30 pm on February 14th when they decided to dilate me a bit more and stick a water balloon in me to open my cervix. First of all, that should be a torture routine and not a way to “help”. I felt my stomach blow up and holy moly was that painful. Once they took it out, my epidural was wearing off so I had to ask for more which is when I started to feel back to back contractions. This is about the part where Logan and I both go into distress. Doctors running in left and right, turning me every which way, having me scared out of my mind, and wondering what the hell just happened. About 10 minutes later, they got Erik scrubbed in and me… ready to go into an emergency c-section. At this point, I was furious because I had told them that c-section would be the way no matter what and they kept insisting for a natural birth. I went into the O.R, shaking, crying and upset because I was scared. They drugged me up enough that I would not feel my stomach or lower. Once they finally finished the drugs, went over the O.R plan, they brought Erik in where I began to start throwing up from the anesthesia. They opened me up, rearranged some of my parts and grabbed my son.. once Erik and I heard his cries… we knew he was alright and once the nurse said he was a squirmy one… I knew our child was perfect. I didn’t get to do skin-to-skin, I didn’t get to hold my child, Erik got to see him.. take pictures.. and be close to him. I got to touch his nose and see his beautiful face.
Our birth story isn’t a great one. It’s more along the lines of dramatic because of course he is mine and Erik’s son. We decided not to post any pictures of him yet because we are enjoying this time with our son. My baby is a preemie so I believe that is something only to be shared with close family members.
The days aren’t easy. I was cut up and recovery is a long road. I have my son, and I have my pups. That’s all I need. 💕
I know, I know. I have been super-duper M.I.A. It’s technically NOT my fault, due to Christmas, planning my baby shower, New Year’s, my birthday, and then doctor’s visits and registering for my Spring Semester. My life is one hectic ball of fluff. It is no excuse for me to stop writing since writing is the best way that I vent and also you know about chronic illnesses/being pregnant. It always comes across that I am complaining about my pregnancy because I am in pain but it’s the furthest thing from that. I am so excited that I am pregnant and I get to hold my little cub in a few months due to his premature nature unfortunately. I’m constantly itchy due to the cholestasis of pregnancy and I’ve bled out a little too much from time to time due to my inability to stop scratching. I never knew a pain until there was an itch that wouldn’t go away no matter how much I scratched at it and boy… was I in tears after. I want Logan out just for the simple fact that maybe, possibly, hopefully I would NOT be itchy and boom I’d feel 10x better. But let the little one cook in my belly oven and kung fu panda my ribs and stomach every two seconds… its fine. I had my burst of energy that every pregnant woman speaks about and now time for the downfall of sleepiness and drowsiness. During the work-day, I am exhausted. I fall asleep on the train now on my way to and from work and I cannot stop it. But once I get home and finally curl into bed, it’s brutal to even try to get myself to sleep. Like WHAT TYPE OF NONSENSE IS THIS? Granted, if it stays this way, then while Erik is home during the day after Logan is born, I can sleep and I can be up with Logan throughout the night. But we will see how that turns out. Another current peeve of mine is cakes and how expensive they are. If I knew how expensive a cake would turn out to be then I would have taken my cake decorating class a little more serious. I’ve gotten prices of 1,000, 960, 780, and 480. Like … whaaaat! The one I really, really wanted was 960 and I’m still trying to justify it in my mind but I can’t. *Shrugs*
My condition has not made this easy on me at all. Each day I feel like poo and with all the medications, its really draining. I take five different meds and I hate it so much. Once Logan comes out, i know i’ll be monitored like crazy and change back from injections to pills but it will be a long, hard process after he’s cut out of me. Everyone I come across that does not know my condition even says, oh wait until the second one. Like, what second one? Logan was a miracle. He is a miracle. He’s the one thing I needed when I needed it the most. I can’t have another child so Logan will be the best part of me. My miracle.
Life has been getting more surreal each day. The Baby Shower is one month away *EEEEEEEEEEP* and I have yet to start Logan’s nursery *BIGGER EEEEEP* I just have no energy anymore. Everything hurts constantly. I’ve wanted to write sooner, but when I get home I just want to plop down on my bed (currently a couch) and just fall asleep but pregnancy insomnia has gotten to me and I am up all night and I want to sleep all day. Each day I am getting nervous that I am becoming someone’s MOM but I cannot wait to hold my little cub where he is safe, in my arms.
This week was a very interesting one. Both my doctors (Liver and High-Risk) both told me interesting news to say the least. Let’s start with high-risk. We spoke last week on my bile acid and it’s affects. My little cub will now be born crazy early. I mean I knew this was coming because I am a high-risk but it just sucks to hear at the end of the day because it’s like you want everything to go perfectly and you don’t want anything happening, especially when you can not control it. If it was happening to me, then yeah okay fine… the fact that this now affects my son… yeah, crazy momma bear came out. I will be induced and scheduled to deliver him. So sometime around February or March, that’s when I’ll know when, where, and what time Logan will be coming out. I’m nervous about the induction because I’ve heard a couple of different ways that they can induce you and I have 0 pain tolerance. So, believe me when I say, I will ask for ALL THE DRUGS! I don’t stay still when I am in pain and I will pull away at every chance I get so they better give me a damn bear tranquilizer to calm my ass down. I guess it sucks that I won’t be able to naturally have my water break and freak out at 3 am while scrambling around to get to the hospital but then again I think I’d rather be safe than sorry. Since they will need a liver specialist, my high-risk team, blood specialist… i would rather be closely monitored than a free bird. Now, I am super close with my liver doctor. He was around since 2011 and he’s the only doctor I’ve kept around because of how serious he takes my condition. I can ask him real questions and he will tell me real answers even if it’ll make me cry. So the first question was if a natural birth or a c-section was better. He explained to me in patients with coagulation difficulties there is no data to back up a natural birth. So he will be surprised if they were to deliver me that way. With a c-section, they’ll be able to stop any excessive bleeding and be able to monitor how much blood I will lose, but they could also cut a part that will make me bleed even more. So both parts are equally as scary but a c-section is definitely the way I’m gonna be going. I am too high-risk to put my baby at any risk. I was a c-section baby and it saved my life. I’ve heard moms battling about natural and c-section saying that c-section is “the easy way out.” Bruh? Do you not see that scar that comes with it?!? I’m terrified for after because of course I’ve been doing my research and I know I’m gonna be in a hell of a lot of pain and I feel so bad for my parents and Erik. (GOOD LUCK TO YOU THREE AND I’M SORRY IN ADVANCE) I’ll also have to stay in the hospital longer than a regular c-section birth which is 4 Days, I’ll be in the hospital for let’s say a week, week and a half. They’ll have to monitor my blood loss, monitor my liver function, stabilize me back on my medication and also make sure that I can function. Plus lots of sonograms, MRIs, cat-scans of my liver (oh joy, like a baby ain’t gonna come right outta there). It’s definitely been a week of information and lots of emotions flying around with my OCD and my need to research every little bit of what’s going to be happening. Logan will come early, but I know my little cub will be fine.
I can’t wait to meet you our cub;
*photo taken by PocketPhotoz *
So I know I’ve been gone for quite some time and I apologize. From Thanksgiving, to Work, to appointments, to school, to now planning Christmas and my baby shower… I am exhausted. I have to say one thing for sure, all the mommas out there… people do not give enough credit where it’s due. Since this is my first and all, I did not know the pain, agony, restless nights, and overthinking that comes with being pregnant. I told my mother yesterday, I do not praise that woman enough for carrying me into the world because being pregnant is no friggin joke. With my case, as this blog is about, it is 10 times harder. I wake up in the morning and some mornings I feel amazing. Other mornings, I just want to lay in bed and sleep until the pain goes away. To add on top of everything else, I’m not just in injections any longer. I was diagnosed with Cholestasis of Pregnancy and it just means my bile acid is through the roof and the baby could be hurt but my doctor said peanut is a super low risk of being harmed. I’m also on baby aspirin to fight another common pregnancy called Eclampsia. So now on top of injecting myself twice a day, I take baby aspirin, two pills for my bile acid and prenatals. As I said, this isn’t easy. High Risk Pregnancies are no joke as well. I’m so exhausted by being in the doctors office every.single.week and I know after peanut comes it’ll be the same too but still. The bed is my favorite place to be in the world and sweatpants are my best friends but if you knew me pre-pregnancy you know 1. I would NEVER be caught in sweatpants outside and 2. I would NEVER leave my house looking like a raccoon or without makeup. I have mastered the both of those things now because it takes so much energy and time to put myself together that I just cannot do it every day or even months. I rarely do my makeup and I rarely ever put on clothes that look nice because I just feel like crap 95% of the time. Honestly, I thought pregnancy was a walk in the park but that’s because most people don’t show the nitty gritty side to it because it frigging sucks!!!
Counting down until Peanut comes out
There it was. At my doctor’s office. A little stick telling me I was pregnant. “What the fuck.” I replay that moment again and again in my mind absolutely mind-blown that I could ever be pregnant. About 10 minutes later, I go and speak to my doctor who I told her I was between options because I’m 25. I live at home, I do not have my own apartment and I don’t feel ready at all. Never the less I really did not think I could get pregnant. I always wanted a kid but I just thought since I have this rare condition that is basically eating away at my liver, I didn’t think this body, my body could handle a pregnancy at all. So I gave up that dream thinking it was just fiction. My doctor told me that this was a miracle I was pregnant, if I were to do anything then I would not get pregnant again. It was even puzzling to her as I was pregnant because once again, rare condition plus I equals no baby. I was scared, frightened and did not know what to do in all honesty. This is me being completely and fully transparent to everyone who is reading this because no one is ever ready to have a kid. Even my mother told me that night as I spoke to her on what I should do, that I wasn’t planned. I wasn’t really in the set plans for them as of that time. But right now I’m living with wonderful parents and I’m happy. I spoke to my boyfriend and we agreed to continue. At that time, we were together but not officially since I did not want to put any labels on who or what we are. I did not want people in my business regarding him and I just rather have kept us, us. Well that quickly out the window. It’s hard to really open up with something like this because my peanut was not planned, but God knew what I needed before I even did. I was at a really dark place in my life that I just couldn’t shake from. I didn’t know who I was nor did I even recognize myself on the inside. This pregnancy is not an easy one either. I am extremely high-risk and going to see three or four doctors a week. I take daily injections in my stomach twice a day so my blood does not clot anywhere near the baby and my peanut will 100% be premature. It’s hard to hear these things and keep it all together while being strong. Some days I really just give up, want to lay in bed and cry because my body may be hurting, I may be going through a horrible flare up, I may be hurting in some places and I have pregnancy symptoms which are not fun what so ever and not even close to it. Being pregnant, I have a new found respect for anyone who goes through this. I even have a huge respect for women who have illnesses and go through this because it’s 2x harder. God knew my boyfriend and I needed peanut. Everything happens for a reason, and peanut will always be my reason.
Now, It Works. I recently became my own business owner as I am a distributor for a brand called It Works. Most people have heard of it and you know what I hear out of their mouth? It doesn’t really work, it’s a scam -__- . I first became a customer of It Works in 2016. I was extremely skeptical of the brand as well but I showed support because that is the type of person I am. I brought the It Works System for 3 months and I began it. I was not going to let those things go to waste! By the end of the 2nd month, my waist was snatched, my mood increased and I felt amazing! So for everyone saying it doesn’t work, have you tried to for yourself? I got amazing results and I fell in love with the brand. I went through difficult times during the rest of my 2016 so I just put it on a back burner and continued with what needed to be done. Until, I saw a blogger that I follow and she was a part of It Works as well. I thought to myself, she helps people in more ways than one. *think think think* I began researching how to actually be a part of this brand. How do I help people as I was helped? Then one night I went to a networking event and BOOM! I see a woman with an ItWorks Bag and a card. I made it my mission that night to speak to her. I spoke with her, we exchanged facebooks and the next thing I knew, she was my coach, someone I definitely look up to and someone who inspires me every single day. I love what I do currently. I make systems for people regarding what they PERSONALLY want to do with the It Works brand. I personally reach out and be a health coach for them (I’m a jack of all trades, do not debate me) . I love the people I’ve met so far and the people that I will meet in the future. So before you say “It doesn’t work” how about you try it out and see if it really doesn’t 😉
The Prego Wrap Girl, N. Rarity
*TRIGGER WARNINGS; Suicide*
As you all know this is the popular Logic song that’s out now. What some people do not know, is that it’s the suicide prevention hotline. In this song, logic starts off in a first person perspective of how he is feeling, how he is out of his mind and his life is not his. It starts off in the perspective of someone who isn’t happy with their life and maybe thinking of suicide.
Then it transforms into second person on how he sings that he wants the other person to stay alive and they do not have to die. While including Alessia Cara’s soft voice, she sings that things are not easy but you can pull yourself back up. This song has spiked up so many calls to the Suicide Prevention Hotline that it has been possibly life-changing for some.
Now, why am I blogging about this? As to be open as possible on my blog, I have had suicidal thoughts. I know people who have as well. Life isn’t easy, life is really fucking hard. Taking everything all at one is really tough on a person and they might not have the ability to reach out to people or believe that others may judge them. I always felt alone, in such a hole that I could not dig myself out. I started getting deeper into my suicidal thoughts once I was diagnosed. I told myself, who wants to live like this? Who honestly wants to feel so useless and hopeless with a condition that will not be fixed? I would become depressed, trying to go out to heal my depression but just got further and further into my depression that it intensified until I knew I couldn’t think like this. Life is filled with so many great, amazing things to be thinking of how you would want to hurt yourself. You have to pick yourself up and tell yourself that you can do it and you are stronger then you could ever imagine being. Life will become beautiful for you, life is hard but it’s how you take it which makes you stronger and stronger each day.
So to anyone who was ever thinking, currently thinking… just know that people love you, people will be there for you to pick you back up. There are good humans in this crazy world that just want to make others happy and want to make sure others are okay before themselves. Keep your chin up and if anyone ever needs to talk, my inbox is always available.
Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle.
• Christian D. Larson
Remember when you were a young child, you had no cares about anything in this world but being happy and goofy, when did that change? A more important question then that is why did it change? At what point did we say to ourselves, what other people think of us and how we act, how we talk, how we hold ourselves to the highest standards, why should all of this matter? What happened to unbelievably, child-like happiness? What happened to just doing anything and everything for yourself change into making sure others are happy in your life? Do not get me mistaken, I love when my family and friends are happy but should I sacrifice my own happiness for something that I am not following?
Now a days, no one asks if you’re happy. No one asks you how you feel in your own being. They simply just make sure they are content in their own life and that you also follow their happiness path. When did stopping someone’s happiness become the social norm? When did being a goofy weird person become such a dislike? I love being my crazy, goofy self! I love making faces, saying the weirdest things ever and making people smile. I love seeing smiles on my friends and families face. I love seeing everyone and anyone achieve any type of happiness. You got a promotion? Let’s celebrate. You graduated? Let’s go out and party it up! You’re having a baby? Let me know if I can help you with anything. You just had a damn good day at work? Let’s go get dinner and continue this happy day together.
One big thing about having a chronic illness or being sick in general, any little thing that can set your mood off, can affect your entire being. Whenever I am stressed out, best believe it that I will get sick. Whenever any negativity sets foot in my life, it effects my mood, it transforms me into someone I hate being and someone I would prefer to never be. I do not want to walk around life filled with hate and negativity, yet I want to embrace what life gives me and how amazing life can be if you let it. I’m going to live my life in the best possible way that I can and I won’t let anyone stop me from my happiness. Go outside, enjoy others company, be truly happy in whatever you set your heart to do and believe that people will be there to support you and keep you on track with your true happiness. ❤️
W.A.Y.S. // Jhene Aiko
Happy – Leona Lewis
* I do not own credits to featured picture*