I know, I know. I have been super-duper M.I.A. It’s technically NOT my fault, due to Christmas, planning my baby shower, New Year’s, my birthday, and then doctor’s visits and registering for my Spring Semester. My life is one hectic ball of fluff. It is no excuse for me to stop writing since writing is the best way that I vent and also you know about chronic illnesses/being pregnant. It always comes across that I am complaining about my pregnancy because I am in pain but it’s the furthest thing from that. I am so excited that I am pregnant and I get to hold my little cub in a few months due to his premature nature unfortunately. I’m constantly itchy due to the cholestasis of pregnancy and I’ve bled out a little too much from time to time due to my inability to stop scratching. I never knew a pain until there was an itch that wouldn’t go away no matter how much I scratched at it and boy… was I in tears after. I want Logan out just for the simple fact that maybe, possibly, hopefully I would NOT be itchy and boom I’d feel 10x better. But let the little one cook in my belly oven and kung fu panda my ribs and stomach every two seconds… its fine. I had my burst of energy that every pregnant woman speaks about and now time for the downfall of sleepiness and drowsiness. During the work-day, I am exhausted. I fall asleep on the train now on my way to and from work and I cannot stop it. But once I get home and finally curl into bed, it’s brutal to even try to get myself to sleep. Like WHAT TYPE OF NONSENSE IS THIS? Granted, if it stays this way, then while Erik is home during the day after Logan is born, I can sleep and I can be up with Logan throughout the night. But we will see how that turns out. Another current peeve of mine is cakes and how expensive they are. If I knew how expensive a cake would turn out to be then I would have taken my cake decorating class a little more serious. I’ve gotten prices of 1,000, 960, 780, and 480. Like … whaaaat! The one I really, really wanted was 960 and I’m still trying to justify it in my mind but I can’t. *Shrugs*
My condition has not made this easy on me at all. Each day I feel like poo and with all the medications, its really draining. I take five different meds and I hate it so much. Once Logan comes out, i know i’ll be monitored like crazy and change back from injections to pills but it will be a long, hard process after he’s cut out of me. Everyone I come across that does not know my condition even says, oh wait until the second one. Like, what second one? Logan was a miracle. He is a miracle. He’s the one thing I needed when I needed it the most. I can’t have another child so Logan will be the best part of me. My miracle.
Life has been getting more surreal each day. The Baby Shower is one month away *EEEEEEEEEEP* and I have yet to start Logan’s nursery *BIGGER EEEEEP* I just have no energy anymore. Everything hurts constantly. I’ve wanted to write sooner, but when I get home I just want to plop down on my bed (currently a couch) and just fall asleep but pregnancy insomnia has gotten to me and I am up all night and I want to sleep all day. Each day I am getting nervous that I am becoming someone’s MOM but I cannot wait to hold my little cub where he is safe, in my arms.
This is my life currently. Wake up, injection, work, commute, injection, sleep. I hate needles. I despise needles. I always have since I was younger. I used to cry and cry whenever the nurse would come out with the flu shot or my yearly physical examination. It did not matter how old or young I was.. I hated them. It wasn’t until 2011, that I lightly concurred my fear of needles because every single day they would have to take blood from me for multiple examinations. I gave up, after a while I just gave into the pain except for these injections.
These injections are called Lovenox. The “less” serious side effects are nausea, diarrhea, fever, swelling in hands or feet, and mild pain or swelling where the injection occurred. Which means, your skin is basically burning off while it is being injected into your body. How nice isn’t it? When I first got the shot, was in my stomach and I swear to anything I wanted to punch the hell out of the nurse who did it. No warning of the burning skin but she just injected it and 5 seconds later I was screaming bloody murder. My cousin was getting upset because I literally screamed at the top of my lungs in the ICU because it hurts. I always had to get the injections twice a day and each time my parents had to actually hold me down so they were able to inject me. I couldn’t take the pain. It feels as though your skin is burning from the inside out and you become numb. I get sleepy and automatically am able to pass out because of the pain. Now, what is it given for? Lovenox is used to treat or prevent a type of blood clot called deep vein thrombosis (DVT), which can lead to blood clots in the lungs (pulmonary embolism). A DVT can occur after certain types of surgery, or in people who are bed-ridden due to a prolonged illness. W h i c h E q u a l s M e. Why do I take it in particular? I suffer through this pain for my baby. I suffer with the bruises on my stomach, with the burning, with the rough patches of skin now located on my stomach due to so many injections for this peanut. The first time I had to do it on my own, was in my car. I sucked my breath in, and continuously told myself that this wasn’t for me yet it was for my miracle.
Another way that my pregnancy isn’t an easy one. My boyfriend sees me inject myself and I see his face of surprise. I mean who really wants to inject themselves with drugs while pregnant? I don’t think anyone does but I’m trying to be the strong survivor I know I can be.
All the strong mamas… Keep being strong.
There it was. At my doctor’s office. A little stick telling me I was pregnant. “What the fuck.” I replay that moment again and again in my mind absolutely mind-blown that I could ever be pregnant. About 10 minutes later, I go and speak to my doctor who I told her I was between options because I’m 25. I live at home, I do not have my own apartment and I don’t feel ready at all. Never the less I really did not think I could get pregnant. I always wanted a kid but I just thought since I have this rare condition that is basically eating away at my liver, I didn’t think this body, my body could handle a pregnancy at all. So I gave up that dream thinking it was just fiction. My doctor told me that this was a miracle I was pregnant, if I were to do anything then I would not get pregnant again. It was even puzzling to her as I was pregnant because once again, rare condition plus I equals no baby. I was scared, frightened and did not know what to do in all honesty. This is me being completely and fully transparent to everyone who is reading this because no one is ever ready to have a kid. Even my mother told me that night as I spoke to her on what I should do, that I wasn’t planned. I wasn’t really in the set plans for them as of that time. But right now I’m living with wonderful parents and I’m happy. I spoke to my boyfriend and we agreed to continue. At that time, we were together but not officially since I did not want to put any labels on who or what we are. I did not want people in my business regarding him and I just rather have kept us, us. Well that quickly out the window. It’s hard to really open up with something like this because my peanut was not planned, but God knew what I needed before I even did. I was at a really dark place in my life that I just couldn’t shake from. I didn’t know who I was nor did I even recognize myself on the inside. This pregnancy is not an easy one either. I am extremely high-risk and going to see three or four doctors a week. I take daily injections in my stomach twice a day so my blood does not clot anywhere near the baby and my peanut will 100% be premature. It’s hard to hear these things and keep it all together while being strong. Some days I really just give up, want to lay in bed and cry because my body may be hurting, I may be going through a horrible flare up, I may be hurting in some places and I have pregnancy symptoms which are not fun what so ever and not even close to it. Being pregnant, I have a new found respect for anyone who goes through this. I even have a huge respect for women who have illnesses and go through this because it’s 2x harder. God knew my boyfriend and I needed peanut. Everything happens for a reason, and peanut will always be my reason.
Now, It Works. I recently became my own business owner as I am a distributor for a brand called It Works. Most people have heard of it and you know what I hear out of their mouth? It doesn’t really work, it’s a scam -__- . I first became a customer of It Works in 2016. I was extremely skeptical of the brand as well but I showed support because that is the type of person I am. I brought the It Works System for 3 months and I began it. I was not going to let those things go to waste! By the end of the 2nd month, my waist was snatched, my mood increased and I felt amazing! So for everyone saying it doesn’t work, have you tried to for yourself? I got amazing results and I fell in love with the brand. I went through difficult times during the rest of my 2016 so I just put it on a back burner and continued with what needed to be done. Until, I saw a blogger that I follow and she was a part of It Works as well. I thought to myself, she helps people in more ways than one. *think think think* I began researching how to actually be a part of this brand. How do I help people as I was helped? Then one night I went to a networking event and BOOM! I see a woman with an ItWorks Bag and a card. I made it my mission that night to speak to her. I spoke with her, we exchanged facebooks and the next thing I knew, she was my coach, someone I definitely look up to and someone who inspires me every single day. I love what I do currently. I make systems for people regarding what they PERSONALLY want to do with the It Works brand. I personally reach out and be a health coach for them (I’m a jack of all trades, do not debate me) . I love the people I’ve met so far and the people that I will meet in the future. So before you say “It doesn’t work” how about you try it out and see if it really doesn’t 😉
The Prego Wrap Girl, N. Rarity
*TRIGGER WARNINGS; Suicide*
As you all know this is the popular Logic song that’s out now. What some people do not know, is that it’s the suicide prevention hotline. In this song, logic starts off in a first person perspective of how he is feeling, how he is out of his mind and his life is not his. It starts off in the perspective of someone who isn’t happy with their life and maybe thinking of suicide.
Then it transforms into second person on how he sings that he wants the other person to stay alive and they do not have to die. While including Alessia Cara’s soft voice, she sings that things are not easy but you can pull yourself back up. This song has spiked up so many calls to the Suicide Prevention Hotline that it has been possibly life-changing for some.
Now, why am I blogging about this? As to be open as possible on my blog, I have had suicidal thoughts. I know people who have as well. Life isn’t easy, life is really fucking hard. Taking everything all at one is really tough on a person and they might not have the ability to reach out to people or believe that others may judge them. I always felt alone, in such a hole that I could not dig myself out. I started getting deeper into my suicidal thoughts once I was diagnosed. I told myself, who wants to live like this? Who honestly wants to feel so useless and hopeless with a condition that will not be fixed? I would become depressed, trying to go out to heal my depression but just got further and further into my depression that it intensified until I knew I couldn’t think like this. Life is filled with so many great, amazing things to be thinking of how you would want to hurt yourself. You have to pick yourself up and tell yourself that you can do it and you are stronger then you could ever imagine being. Life will become beautiful for you, life is hard but it’s how you take it which makes you stronger and stronger each day.
So to anyone who was ever thinking, currently thinking… just know that people love you, people will be there for you to pick you back up. There are good humans in this crazy world that just want to make others happy and want to make sure others are okay before themselves. Keep your chin up and if anyone ever needs to talk, my inbox is always available.
Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle.
• Christian D. Larson
Remember when you were a young child, you had no cares about anything in this world but being happy and goofy, when did that change? A more important question then that is why did it change? At what point did we say to ourselves, what other people think of us and how we act, how we talk, how we hold ourselves to the highest standards, why should all of this matter? What happened to unbelievably, child-like happiness? What happened to just doing anything and everything for yourself change into making sure others are happy in your life? Do not get me mistaken, I love when my family and friends are happy but should I sacrifice my own happiness for something that I am not following?
Now a days, no one asks if you’re happy. No one asks you how you feel in your own being. They simply just make sure they are content in their own life and that you also follow their happiness path. When did stopping someone’s happiness become the social norm? When did being a goofy weird person become such a dislike? I love being my crazy, goofy self! I love making faces, saying the weirdest things ever and making people smile. I love seeing smiles on my friends and families face. I love seeing everyone and anyone achieve any type of happiness. You got a promotion? Let’s celebrate. You graduated? Let’s go out and party it up! You’re having a baby? Let me know if I can help you with anything. You just had a damn good day at work? Let’s go get dinner and continue this happy day together.
One big thing about having a chronic illness or being sick in general, any little thing that can set your mood off, can affect your entire being. Whenever I am stressed out, best believe it that I will get sick. Whenever any negativity sets foot in my life, it effects my mood, it transforms me into someone I hate being and someone I would prefer to never be. I do not want to walk around life filled with hate and negativity, yet I want to embrace what life gives me and how amazing life can be if you let it. I’m going to live my life in the best possible way that I can and I won’t let anyone stop me from my happiness. Go outside, enjoy others company, be truly happy in whatever you set your heart to do and believe that people will be there to support you and keep you on track with your true happiness. ❤️
W.A.Y.S. // Jhene Aiko
Happy – Leona Lewis
* I do not own credits to featured picture*
“The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.” – Elizabeth Foley.
That quote could not be truer. Throughout life, I have had friends come and go, there have been friends who have stayed around no matter how much trouble we have gone through or how long we have not spoken for. You can grow separately, but you do not have to grow apart. As many close friends and long term friends I have, I decided to bring forth my Fantastics. Let’s just give their initials, T, A, and M. T was the first one I met back in freshman year of college. She was energetic, wacky, and I told myself I could not be friends with this weirdo but look at where we are now. She has always been a very independent and amazing human being. She goes to the beat of her own drum and she does not care one bit. I guess that is why I admire her so much, she does not let anyone veer her in a different path than what she is destined to do or who she is destined to be. M was the second one I met in freshman year of college. She was a handful in college to say the least but she’s the baby of the group. During college she would always be studying and be M.I.A. but now she’s a powerful working woman with enough energy to last her for years to come. She’s in our life with full force and always down to hang out no matter what. A, I met last and I met randomly. I lost my phone in college and I was aimlessly walking around. A had no class either so my friends just stuck us together, needless to say she was nervous to be stuck with the crazy Puerto Rican. As time went on, we grew closer and closer. Junior year of college she was my roommate, we went on endless trips together, we woke up together, I bothered her every second of the day, she taught me the joys of makeup and shih-tzus, and sonic… I cannot forget sonic! This is the woman I’ve gone on so many adventures with, I’ve looked up to her with how strong she is and how amazing she is as a person. She cares deeply and loves even deeper. She’s someone you would always want on your side because most of the time it’s laughs but when it gets down to business, she has her mind focused on whatever she needs to do.
These three are three woman who have definitely changed my life. When we graduated, it was hard to keep us together seeing as two are about a 1.5-2 hour drive but we made it work. We made sacrifices, we stuck together no matter what. There’s nothing in this world that you could ever replace over amazing friendships. Everything else can come and go, but real, true, friendships… that’s something you need in your life. The women who know every single little nook and cranny about you. Who know you down deep in your core, those are the women you need to stick with because those are the women who won’t ever give up on you especially when you need them the most. I was blessed throughout college with these three, and will continue to be blessed having these three by my side throughout all my journeys in life.
I love you TAM 😉
when I was a young girl, I always thought I was one of the boys. I would play football, baseball, try to play basketball, I would wear baggy clothes and always hurt myself one way or another. While you’re young, you think that if you can get back up after you hurt yourself, that’s strength, that’s you being unbelievably strong. What you don’t know is once you start getting older, being strong comes in the form of heartbreaks, losing friends, going through life changing events, or getting through life through the most difficult times you can possibly imagine. You have to fight with everything you have to keep standing strong, you put your mind to something and you keep that goal in your mind knowing that this is where you have to get to, that is where you need to be. For most people with chronic illnesses, every day you wake up being as strong as you can. You fight each and every day to wake up and make it through the day. I’ve realized in time that I’m a fighter. I have fought over and over again for my health, my sanity, my peace. Most people may think I’m not strong but I’m stronger then you could ever imagine. I fight with all my power and all my might to achieve the things I need or want done. You have to keep pushing and you have to keep fighting for what you want and deserve. This does not just go for chronically ill either, this goes for everyone who struggles, anyone who doesn’t feel strong enough, anyone who needs that little bit of hope to get them through the day, well this is it. Everyone is strong in their own way and can battle any obstacle that comes in front of them no matter how hard or tough life might get. Keep pushing through and never give up because you might think it’s the end of life as you know it or feel like it but it’s not. The only way to continue to go is up.
Keep being strong,