One Year.

1/22/2019 it is almost a year since little Lo broke my water and I was admitted into the hospital.  I’ve never experienced what I did while in the hospital for those three weeks but the word that sums it all up is traumatizing.  So now that it has been a year that has passed, the memories come back.  I remember being stuck in bed, not allowed to walk because that would possibly put me in labor, scared each time I woke up in the morning because I wanted Lo to be safe.  Each day in that hospital was more traumatizing then the previous day and I got through it.  I got through the C-section, I got through the pain, the tears, the fact that I still looked pregnant six months after having Lo and having to go through my stomach being drained.  I went through all of that and still my son went through even more.  I can’t believe Lo is about to be a year old.  I can’t believe how well he is developing as a premature boy.  It does suck at times to see kids younger than him weigh more, be more advanced but my kid is so much stronger in ways I couldn’t even imagine.

This entire year has tested me as a woman and as a mother.  You don’t realize how much your parents do for you until you’re the one doing it for your kids.  You sacrifice so much for them to give them the best life that they will ever know.  I would do anything for him and it is an endless love.  Lo has shown me so much love within this past year that I finally healed from demons that were deep inside of me because of that little smile and the way he throws himself on me knowing that I am his mom.  

PPD is a real thing among mothers.  I was struggling so much to love myself while caring for my boy and knowing that he needed my all.  I’m glad to say I had an amazing support system and people always in my corner when I needed it.  As my little turns a year, I reminisce on the past year.  I see this little boy who was not even a thought in my mind previously, knowing that I possibly could not have kids, who made me a mother for the first time.  Who is an amazing and special little boy no matter now crazy he drives me.  I wouldn’t change this for the world.  The first year is always the hardest but it gets harder in the upcoming years with falls, bruises, making sure that they are on the right path, making sure they are safe and I only know that this is the beginning of being a Boy Mom. 

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Logan’s birth.

Logan is here. My beautiful baby boy is here. It was a long road but he’s healthy and amazing.

Let’s just start by this, every Tuesday or Wednesday while I was in the hospital logan would act up. Contractions, Pains, Different color amniotic fluid, anything this kid could do to stress me out.. he did. February 13th, I woke up with a different color amniotic fluid and once again I thought… eh false alarm. They put me on the baby monitor and saw Logan’s heartbeat continue to drop and go up again. So they transferred Erik and I to Labor and Delivery to be monitored even more. At this point, I was exhausted and nervous. We went back and forth with the doctors.. until they reached a final decision at about 4 pm. They would induce me, start labor and I would deliver Logan natural. Now seeing as I was on blood thinners, the doctors had to wait until 11 pm to put me on a different kind of blood thinner that would be easily stopped. Then proceed to put in the epidural at around the same time. So … 11 rolls around and I get a nice epidural catheter in my back. Let me just tell you.. epidurals fucking huuuuurt! Erik said he heard me screaming from down the hall but that’s completely not my fault. I have 0 pain tolerance and I let everyone know that in advance. But the epidural drug is definitely a great pain relief. I was in and out of sleep all night, felt no pain, and I was in heaven. Let’s fast forward to about 3:30 pm on February 14th when they decided to dilate me a bit more and stick a water balloon in me to open my cervix. First of all, that should be a torture routine and not a way to “help”. I felt my stomach blow up and holy moly was that painful. Once they took it out, my epidural was wearing off so I had to ask for more which is when I started to feel back to back contractions. This is about the part where Logan and I both go into distress. Doctors running in left and right, turning me every which way, having me scared out of my mind, and wondering what the hell just happened. About 10 minutes later, they got Erik scrubbed in and me… ready to go into an emergency c-section. At this point, I was furious because I had told them that c-section would be the way no matter what and they kept insisting for a natural birth. I went into the O.R, shaking, crying and upset because I was scared. They drugged me up enough that I would not feel my stomach or lower. Once they finally finished the drugs, went over the O.R plan, they brought Erik in where I began to start throwing up from the anesthesia. They opened me up, rearranged some of my parts and grabbed my son.. once Erik and I heard his cries… we knew he was alright and once the nurse said he was a squirmy one… I knew our child was perfect. I didn’t get to do skin-to-skin, I didn’t get to hold my child, Erik got to see him.. take pictures.. and be close to him. I got to touch his nose and see his beautiful face.

Our birth story isn’t a great one. It’s more along the lines of dramatic because of course he is mine and Erik’s son. We decided not to post any pictures of him yet because we are enjoying this time with our son. My baby is a preemie so I believe that is something only to be shared with close family members.

The days aren’t easy. I was cut up and recovery is a long road. I have my son, and I have my pups. That’s all I need. 💕

Logan’s Early Escape

Logan would not be mine and Erik’s son without a little drama right?

Logan broke my water on January 27th.  Since I’ve never been pregnant, I immediately thought to myself, AWW DAMN THIS IS WHAT THEY MEAN HOW YOU CAN’T CONTROL YOUR BLADDER! But no, after I fell asleep I woke up several times throughout the night with my pants soaking wet.  I knew after about 3 times that this was not normal and I had to get it checked immediately.  Erik and I woke up the next morning with my sour puss face because I had to go get an ultrasound for my liver so I couldn’t eat and I specifically told him, “I think my water broke.”  He looked at me like I was crazy and said that I had just peed on myself and to stop overreacting.  One thing you cannot tell me to do is not to overreact because that’s when I overreact even more! We went to my first appointment and while there, they told me they could not do my ultrasound because I required a doctor present so I had to reschedule.  While rescheduling, I felt another gush of water rush down and I knew I was not going crazy.  I looked at Erik with the saddest face and once again he just told me I was having accidents and stop over reacting.  We rushed to the Labor and Delivery portion of my hospital and taking into triage automatically.  A doctor came in to look me over, do a couple of tests and within the half hour she told me, “Yes, you broke your water.”  Erik and I glanced at one another and had a moment of freaking out silently between us.  I’m extremely early and my water broke, was all I could think about.  Once again, me being the naïve first time preggo, I thought I would immediately go into labor. Oh no, you don’t.  If and once you break your water, if contractions do not start then you could be stuck like I am.  I was immediately admitted and felt like a failure.  I told myself over and over, why couldn’t one thing be perfect, why couldn’t I go for my full (induced) day like I had planned?  My family rushed over and so did Erik’s family and we were all in shock.  A few doctors came in to speak to us regarding what this truly meant and how it would be proceeded then on.  My head was a mess and I was entirely confused.  The past week, we had a couple of scares in which I began to have contractions and go into labor but they stopped it, I’ve had to take steroid injections for Logan’s little lungs (which hurt like you would not believe it), Erik and I have been told so many different things that we both became extremely overwhelmed and upset, and Logan keeps going further and further down, making me ready to pop.  Currently, I’m stuck here until our baby boy either decides to come out on his own and make me go into labor, he goes into distress, or I get extremely sick.  The maximum amount of time I have here is 6 weeks, so one week has already passed and five more weeks of hospitalization has commenced just like when the groundhog sees his shadow on groundhogs day.  Erik has been the rock in all of this keeping me as calm as he can and also keeping me busy while being here.  He’s been joking with me and keeping my spirits up high seeing as though I really do not want a lot of visitors.  All I can look at it as my son is still cooking in my belly and he’s where he needs to be to not be an intense preemie.  But as I am telling everyone in my family, this boy will never ever live this down because hospitals are my least favorite place.

 

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Logan, Mommy & Daddy adore you so much and we are ready for you whenever you are baby boy.

Preemie; Inductions & C-Sections… OH MY!

This week was a very interesting one. Both my doctors (Liver and High-Risk) both told me interesting news to say the least. Let’s start with high-risk. We spoke last week on my bile acid and it’s affects. My little cub will now be born crazy early. I mean I knew this was coming because I am a high-risk but it just sucks to hear at the end of the day because it’s like you want everything to go perfectly and you don’t want anything happening, especially when you can not control it. If it was happening to me, then yeah okay fine… the fact that this now affects my son… yeah, crazy momma bear came out. I will be induced and scheduled to deliver him. So sometime around February or March, that’s when I’ll know when, where, and what time Logan will be coming out. I’m nervous about the induction because I’ve heard a couple of different ways that they can induce you and I have 0 pain tolerance. So, believe me when I say, I will ask for ALL THE DRUGS! I don’t stay still when I am in pain and I will pull away at every chance I get so they better give me a damn bear tranquilizer to calm my ass down. I guess it sucks that I won’t be able to naturally have my water break and freak out at 3 am while scrambling around to get to the hospital but then again I think I’d rather be safe than sorry. Since they will need a liver specialist, my high-risk team, blood specialist… i would rather be closely monitored than a free bird. Now, I am super close with my liver doctor. He was around since 2011 and he’s the only doctor I’ve kept around because of how serious he takes my condition. I can ask him real questions and he will tell me real answers even if it’ll make me cry. So the first question was if a natural birth or a c-section was better. He explained to me in patients with coagulation difficulties there is no data to back up a natural birth. So he will be surprised if they were to deliver me that way. With a c-section, they’ll be able to stop any excessive bleeding and be able to monitor how much blood I will lose, but they could also cut a part that will make me bleed even more. So both parts are equally as scary but a c-section is definitely the way I’m gonna be going. I am too high-risk to put my baby at any risk. I was a c-section baby and it saved my life. I’ve heard moms battling about natural and c-section saying that c-section is “the easy way out.” Bruh? Do you not see that scar that comes with it?!? I’m terrified for after because of course I’ve been doing my research and I know I’m gonna be in a hell of a lot of pain and I feel so bad for my parents and Erik. (GOOD LUCK TO YOU THREE AND I’M SORRY IN ADVANCE) I’ll also have to stay in the hospital longer than a regular c-section birth which is 4 Days, I’ll be in the hospital for let’s say a week, week and a half. They’ll have to monitor my blood loss, monitor my liver function, stabilize me back on my medication and also make sure that I can function. Plus lots of sonograms, MRIs, cat-scans of my liver (oh joy, like a baby ain’t gonna come right outta there). It’s definitely been a week of information and lots of emotions flying around with my OCD and my need to research every little bit of what’s going to be happening. Logan will come early, but I know my little cub will be fine.

I can’t wait to meet you our cub;

N. Rarity

*photo taken by PocketPhotoz *