1/22/2019 it is almost a year since little Lo broke my water and I was admitted into the hospital. I’ve never experienced what I did while in the hospital for those three weeks but the word that sums it all up is traumatizing. So now that it has been a year that has passed, the memories come back. I remember being stuck in bed, not allowed to walk because that would possibly put me in labor, scared each time I woke up in the morning because I wanted Lo to be safe. Each day in that hospital was more traumatizing then the previous day and I got through it. I got through the C-section, I got through the pain, the tears, the fact that I still looked pregnant six months after having Lo and having to go through my stomach being drained. I went through all of that and still my son went through even more. I can’t believe Lo is about to be a year old. I can’t believe how well he is developing as a premature boy. It does suck at times to see kids younger than him weigh more, be more advanced but my kid is so much stronger in ways I couldn’t even imagine.
This entire year has tested me as a woman and as a mother. You don’t realize how much your parents do for you until you’re the one doing it for your kids. You sacrifice so much for them to give them the best life that they will ever know. I would do anything for him and it is an endless love. Lo has shown me so much love within this past year that I finally healed from demons that were deep inside of me because of that little smile and the way he throws himself on me knowing that I am his mom.
PPD is a real thing among mothers. I was struggling so much to love myself while caring for my boy and knowing that he needed my all. I’m glad to say I had an amazing support system and people always in my corner when I needed it. As my little turns a year, I reminisce on the past year. I see this little boy who was not even a thought in my mind previously, knowing that I possibly could not have kids, who made me a mother for the first time. Who is an amazing and special little boy no matter now crazy he drives me. I wouldn’t change this for the world. The first year is always the hardest but it gets harder in the upcoming years with falls, bruises, making sure that they are on the right path, making sure they are safe and I only know that this is the beginning of being a Boy Mom.
I know, I know. I have been super-duper M.I.A. It’s technically NOT my fault, due to Christmas, planning my baby shower, New Year’s, my birthday, and then doctor’s visits and registering for my Spring Semester. My life is one hectic ball of fluff. It is no excuse for me to stop writing since writing is the best way that I vent and also you know about chronic illnesses/being pregnant. It always comes across that I am complaining about my pregnancy because I am in pain but it’s the furthest thing from that. I am so excited that I am pregnant and I get to hold my little cub in a few months due to his premature nature unfortunately. I’m constantly itchy due to the cholestasis of pregnancy and I’ve bled out a little too much from time to time due to my inability to stop scratching. I never knew a pain until there was an itch that wouldn’t go away no matter how much I scratched at it and boy… was I in tears after. I want Logan out just for the simple fact that maybe, possibly, hopefully I would NOT be itchy and boom I’d feel 10x better. But let the little one cook in my belly oven and kung fu panda my ribs and stomach every two seconds… its fine. I had my burst of energy that every pregnant woman speaks about and now time for the downfall of sleepiness and drowsiness. During the work-day, I am exhausted. I fall asleep on the train now on my way to and from work and I cannot stop it. But once I get home and finally curl into bed, it’s brutal to even try to get myself to sleep. Like WHAT TYPE OF NONSENSE IS THIS? Granted, if it stays this way, then while Erik is home during the day after Logan is born, I can sleep and I can be up with Logan throughout the night. But we will see how that turns out. Another current peeve of mine is cakes and how expensive they are. If I knew how expensive a cake would turn out to be then I would have taken my cake decorating class a little more serious. I’ve gotten prices of 1,000, 960, 780, and 480. Like … whaaaat! The one I really, really wanted was 960 and I’m still trying to justify it in my mind but I can’t. *Shrugs*
My condition has not made this easy on me at all. Each day I feel like poo and with all the medications, its really draining. I take five different meds and I hate it so much. Once Logan comes out, i know i’ll be monitored like crazy and change back from injections to pills but it will be a long, hard process after he’s cut out of me. Everyone I come across that does not know my condition even says, oh wait until the second one. Like, what second one? Logan was a miracle. He is a miracle. He’s the one thing I needed when I needed it the most. I can’t have another child so Logan will be the best part of me. My miracle.
Life has been getting more surreal each day. The Baby Shower is one month away *EEEEEEEEEEP* and I have yet to start Logan’s nursery *BIGGER EEEEEP* I just have no energy anymore. Everything hurts constantly. I’ve wanted to write sooner, but when I get home I just want to plop down on my bed (currently a couch) and just fall asleep but pregnancy insomnia has gotten to me and I am up all night and I want to sleep all day. Each day I am getting nervous that I am becoming someone’s MOM but I cannot wait to hold my little cub where he is safe, in my arms.
This week was a very interesting one. Both my doctors (Liver and High-Risk) both told me interesting news to say the least. Let’s start with high-risk. We spoke last week on my bile acid and it’s affects. My little cub will now be born crazy early. I mean I knew this was coming because I am a high-risk but it just sucks to hear at the end of the day because it’s like you want everything to go perfectly and you don’t want anything happening, especially when you can not control it. If it was happening to me, then yeah okay fine… the fact that this now affects my son… yeah, crazy momma bear came out. I will be induced and scheduled to deliver him. So sometime around February or March, that’s when I’ll know when, where, and what time Logan will be coming out. I’m nervous about the induction because I’ve heard a couple of different ways that they can induce you and I have 0 pain tolerance. So, believe me when I say, I will ask for ALL THE DRUGS! I don’t stay still when I am in pain and I will pull away at every chance I get so they better give me a damn bear tranquilizer to calm my ass down. I guess it sucks that I won’t be able to naturally have my water break and freak out at 3 am while scrambling around to get to the hospital but then again I think I’d rather be safe than sorry. Since they will need a liver specialist, my high-risk team, blood specialist… i would rather be closely monitored than a free bird. Now, I am super close with my liver doctor. He was around since 2011 and he’s the only doctor I’ve kept around because of how serious he takes my condition. I can ask him real questions and he will tell me real answers even if it’ll make me cry. So the first question was if a natural birth or a c-section was better. He explained to me in patients with coagulation difficulties there is no data to back up a natural birth. So he will be surprised if they were to deliver me that way. With a c-section, they’ll be able to stop any excessive bleeding and be able to monitor how much blood I will lose, but they could also cut a part that will make me bleed even more. So both parts are equally as scary but a c-section is definitely the way I’m gonna be going. I am too high-risk to put my baby at any risk. I was a c-section baby and it saved my life. I’ve heard moms battling about natural and c-section saying that c-section is “the easy way out.” Bruh? Do you not see that scar that comes with it?!? I’m terrified for after because of course I’ve been doing my research and I know I’m gonna be in a hell of a lot of pain and I feel so bad for my parents and Erik. (GOOD LUCK TO YOU THREE AND I’M SORRY IN ADVANCE) I’ll also have to stay in the hospital longer than a regular c-section birth which is 4 Days, I’ll be in the hospital for let’s say a week, week and a half. They’ll have to monitor my blood loss, monitor my liver function, stabilize me back on my medication and also make sure that I can function. Plus lots of sonograms, MRIs, cat-scans of my liver (oh joy, like a baby ain’t gonna come right outta there). It’s definitely been a week of information and lots of emotions flying around with my OCD and my need to research every little bit of what’s going to be happening. Logan will come early, but I know my little cub will be fine.
I can’t wait to meet you our cub;
*photo taken by PocketPhotoz *
There it was. At my doctor’s office. A little stick telling me I was pregnant. “What the fuck.” I replay that moment again and again in my mind absolutely mind-blown that I could ever be pregnant. About 10 minutes later, I go and speak to my doctor who I told her I was between options because I’m 25. I live at home, I do not have my own apartment and I don’t feel ready at all. Never the less I really did not think I could get pregnant. I always wanted a kid but I just thought since I have this rare condition that is basically eating away at my liver, I didn’t think this body, my body could handle a pregnancy at all. So I gave up that dream thinking it was just fiction. My doctor told me that this was a miracle I was pregnant, if I were to do anything then I would not get pregnant again. It was even puzzling to her as I was pregnant because once again, rare condition plus I equals no baby. I was scared, frightened and did not know what to do in all honesty. This is me being completely and fully transparent to everyone who is reading this because no one is ever ready to have a kid. Even my mother told me that night as I spoke to her on what I should do, that I wasn’t planned. I wasn’t really in the set plans for them as of that time. But right now I’m living with wonderful parents and I’m happy. I spoke to my boyfriend and we agreed to continue. At that time, we were together but not officially since I did not want to put any labels on who or what we are. I did not want people in my business regarding him and I just rather have kept us, us. Well that quickly out the window. It’s hard to really open up with something like this because my peanut was not planned, but God knew what I needed before I even did. I was at a really dark place in my life that I just couldn’t shake from. I didn’t know who I was nor did I even recognize myself on the inside. This pregnancy is not an easy one either. I am extremely high-risk and going to see three or four doctors a week. I take daily injections in my stomach twice a day so my blood does not clot anywhere near the baby and my peanut will 100% be premature. It’s hard to hear these things and keep it all together while being strong. Some days I really just give up, want to lay in bed and cry because my body may be hurting, I may be going through a horrible flare up, I may be hurting in some places and I have pregnancy symptoms which are not fun what so ever and not even close to it. Being pregnant, I have a new found respect for anyone who goes through this. I even have a huge respect for women who have illnesses and go through this because it’s 2x harder. God knew my boyfriend and I needed peanut. Everything happens for a reason, and peanut will always be my reason.
Now, It Works. I recently became my own business owner as I am a distributor for a brand called It Works. Most people have heard of it and you know what I hear out of their mouth? It doesn’t really work, it’s a scam -__- . I first became a customer of It Works in 2016. I was extremely skeptical of the brand as well but I showed support because that is the type of person I am. I brought the It Works System for 3 months and I began it. I was not going to let those things go to waste! By the end of the 2nd month, my waist was snatched, my mood increased and I felt amazing! So for everyone saying it doesn’t work, have you tried to for yourself? I got amazing results and I fell in love with the brand. I went through difficult times during the rest of my 2016 so I just put it on a back burner and continued with what needed to be done. Until, I saw a blogger that I follow and she was a part of It Works as well. I thought to myself, she helps people in more ways than one. *think think think* I began researching how to actually be a part of this brand. How do I help people as I was helped? Then one night I went to a networking event and BOOM! I see a woman with an ItWorks Bag and a card. I made it my mission that night to speak to her. I spoke with her, we exchanged facebooks and the next thing I knew, she was my coach, someone I definitely look up to and someone who inspires me every single day. I love what I do currently. I make systems for people regarding what they PERSONALLY want to do with the It Works brand. I personally reach out and be a health coach for them (I’m a jack of all trades, do not debate me) . I love the people I’ve met so far and the people that I will meet in the future. So before you say “It doesn’t work” how about you try it out and see if it really doesn’t 😉
The Prego Wrap Girl, N. Rarity
*TRIGGER WARNINGS; Suicide*
As you all know this is the popular Logic song that’s out now. What some people do not know, is that it’s the suicide prevention hotline. In this song, logic starts off in a first person perspective of how he is feeling, how he is out of his mind and his life is not his. It starts off in the perspective of someone who isn’t happy with their life and maybe thinking of suicide.
Then it transforms into second person on how he sings that he wants the other person to stay alive and they do not have to die. While including Alessia Cara’s soft voice, she sings that things are not easy but you can pull yourself back up. This song has spiked up so many calls to the Suicide Prevention Hotline that it has been possibly life-changing for some.
Now, why am I blogging about this? As to be open as possible on my blog, I have had suicidal thoughts. I know people who have as well. Life isn’t easy, life is really fucking hard. Taking everything all at one is really tough on a person and they might not have the ability to reach out to people or believe that others may judge them. I always felt alone, in such a hole that I could not dig myself out. I started getting deeper into my suicidal thoughts once I was diagnosed. I told myself, who wants to live like this? Who honestly wants to feel so useless and hopeless with a condition that will not be fixed? I would become depressed, trying to go out to heal my depression but just got further and further into my depression that it intensified until I knew I couldn’t think like this. Life is filled with so many great, amazing things to be thinking of how you would want to hurt yourself. You have to pick yourself up and tell yourself that you can do it and you are stronger then you could ever imagine being. Life will become beautiful for you, life is hard but it’s how you take it which makes you stronger and stronger each day.
So to anyone who was ever thinking, currently thinking… just know that people love you, people will be there for you to pick you back up. There are good humans in this crazy world that just want to make others happy and want to make sure others are okay before themselves. Keep your chin up and if anyone ever needs to talk, my inbox is always available.
Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle.
• Christian D. Larson
Remember when you were a young child, you had no cares about anything in this world but being happy and goofy, when did that change? A more important question then that is why did it change? At what point did we say to ourselves, what other people think of us and how we act, how we talk, how we hold ourselves to the highest standards, why should all of this matter? What happened to unbelievably, child-like happiness? What happened to just doing anything and everything for yourself change into making sure others are happy in your life? Do not get me mistaken, I love when my family and friends are happy but should I sacrifice my own happiness for something that I am not following?
Now a days, no one asks if you’re happy. No one asks you how you feel in your own being. They simply just make sure they are content in their own life and that you also follow their happiness path. When did stopping someone’s happiness become the social norm? When did being a goofy weird person become such a dislike? I love being my crazy, goofy self! I love making faces, saying the weirdest things ever and making people smile. I love seeing smiles on my friends and families face. I love seeing everyone and anyone achieve any type of happiness. You got a promotion? Let’s celebrate. You graduated? Let’s go out and party it up! You’re having a baby? Let me know if I can help you with anything. You just had a damn good day at work? Let’s go get dinner and continue this happy day together.
One big thing about having a chronic illness or being sick in general, any little thing that can set your mood off, can affect your entire being. Whenever I am stressed out, best believe it that I will get sick. Whenever any negativity sets foot in my life, it effects my mood, it transforms me into someone I hate being and someone I would prefer to never be. I do not want to walk around life filled with hate and negativity, yet I want to embrace what life gives me and how amazing life can be if you let it. I’m going to live my life in the best possible way that I can and I won’t let anyone stop me from my happiness. Go outside, enjoy others company, be truly happy in whatever you set your heart to do and believe that people will be there to support you and keep you on track with your true happiness. ❤️
W.A.Y.S. // Jhene Aiko
Happy – Leona Lewis
* I do not own credits to featured picture*
“The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.” – Elizabeth Foley.
That quote could not be truer. Throughout life, I have had friends come and go, there have been friends who have stayed around no matter how much trouble we have gone through or how long we have not spoken for. You can grow separately, but you do not have to grow apart. As many close friends and long term friends I have, I decided to bring forth my Fantastics. Let’s just give their initials, T, A, and M. T was the first one I met back in freshman year of college. She was energetic, wacky, and I told myself I could not be friends with this weirdo but look at where we are now. She has always been a very independent and amazing human being. She goes to the beat of her own drum and she does not care one bit. I guess that is why I admire her so much, she does not let anyone veer her in a different path than what she is destined to do or who she is destined to be. M was the second one I met in freshman year of college. She was a handful in college to say the least but she’s the baby of the group. During college she would always be studying and be M.I.A. but now she’s a powerful working woman with enough energy to last her for years to come. She’s in our life with full force and always down to hang out no matter what. A, I met last and I met randomly. I lost my phone in college and I was aimlessly walking around. A had no class either so my friends just stuck us together, needless to say she was nervous to be stuck with the crazy Puerto Rican. As time went on, we grew closer and closer. Junior year of college she was my roommate, we went on endless trips together, we woke up together, I bothered her every second of the day, she taught me the joys of makeup and shih-tzus, and sonic… I cannot forget sonic! This is the woman I’ve gone on so many adventures with, I’ve looked up to her with how strong she is and how amazing she is as a person. She cares deeply and loves even deeper. She’s someone you would always want on your side because most of the time it’s laughs but when it gets down to business, she has her mind focused on whatever she needs to do.
These three are three woman who have definitely changed my life. When we graduated, it was hard to keep us together seeing as two are about a 1.5-2 hour drive but we made it work. We made sacrifices, we stuck together no matter what. There’s nothing in this world that you could ever replace over amazing friendships. Everything else can come and go, but real, true, friendships… that’s something you need in your life. The women who know every single little nook and cranny about you. Who know you down deep in your core, those are the women you need to stick with because those are the women who won’t ever give up on you especially when you need them the most. I was blessed throughout college with these three, and will continue to be blessed having these three by my side throughout all my journeys in life.
I love you TAM 😉