One Year.

1/22/2019 it is almost a year since little Lo broke my water and I was admitted into the hospital.  I’ve never experienced what I did while in the hospital for those three weeks but the word that sums it all up is traumatizing.  So now that it has been a year that has passed, the memories come back.  I remember being stuck in bed, not allowed to walk because that would possibly put me in labor, scared each time I woke up in the morning because I wanted Lo to be safe.  Each day in that hospital was more traumatizing then the previous day and I got through it.  I got through the C-section, I got through the pain, the tears, the fact that I still looked pregnant six months after having Lo and having to go through my stomach being drained.  I went through all of that and still my son went through even more.  I can’t believe Lo is about to be a year old.  I can’t believe how well he is developing as a premature boy.  It does suck at times to see kids younger than him weigh more, be more advanced but my kid is so much stronger in ways I couldn’t even imagine.

This entire year has tested me as a woman and as a mother.  You don’t realize how much your parents do for you until you’re the one doing it for your kids.  You sacrifice so much for them to give them the best life that they will ever know.  I would do anything for him and it is an endless love.  Lo has shown me so much love within this past year that I finally healed from demons that were deep inside of me because of that little smile and the way he throws himself on me knowing that I am his mom.  

PPD is a real thing among mothers.  I was struggling so much to love myself while caring for my boy and knowing that he needed my all.  I’m glad to say I had an amazing support system and people always in my corner when I needed it.  As my little turns a year, I reminisce on the past year.  I see this little boy who was not even a thought in my mind previously, knowing that I possibly could not have kids, who made me a mother for the first time.  Who is an amazing and special little boy no matter now crazy he drives me.  I wouldn’t change this for the world.  The first year is always the hardest but it gets harder in the upcoming years with falls, bruises, making sure that they are on the right path, making sure they are safe and I only know that this is the beginning of being a Boy Mom. 

Little Lo

Hey everyone!  Did you miss me?  I know I missed writing and now it’s so hard to find time to actually sit down and write because of Mister Logan but I’m here!  I’m five months postpartum on Saturday and things have been crazy!

Logan is five months on Saturday.  I can’t believe it, I’ve been a mother for FIVE months.  There are times I want to rip my hair out, times that I feel that I’m doing everything wrong, times that I can’t even console him… but then, there are days where his smile lights up my whole world, his laughs brighten up my day, when his huge eyes just stare at me and then he begins to smile is when I know I’m the best mother I could be for him.  He had a rough beginning.  For 51 days he was in the NICU, thankfully he was extremely strong and surpassed every thought that I had and stood most of the time just waiting to start feeding from a bottle.  When I thought he wasn’t going to get out of the NICU by the time my disability was going to end, he surprised me and came out of the NICU about 3 days before I was scheduled to start my paid family leave time so he surprised me none the least.  Logan has gone from this 3 pound baby, who barely cried and opened his eyes, to this 12 pound carnivore who screams when he wants to be fed and never has his eyes shut unless he is sleeping.  Being a preemie mother is hard, the trauma of not being able to take your little home meanwhile you get to rest every night in your bed is hard but now he’s been home for three months and has been the center of attention.  It’s amazing how much I could love another being and always talk about him and show people pictures of this cute little twin I have.

As for my condition, I was very sick after Lo was born.  I had bile fluid in my stomach which made me look 6 months pregnant still, I was extremely anemic to the point the doctors were terrified for me, I had a scare in which my nose didn’t stop bleeding for about 12 hours from a tiny scratch in my nostril and I had to go through a few ER visits.  I had a procedure called paracentesis which is when they use a HUGE damn needle to remove fluid from my stomach.  It hurt, I was awake, and I NEVER want to go through that again.  But after that along with water pills that my doctor prescribed me, I lost 50 pounds.  I was 180 and now I am down to a steady 130 which is 10 pound less than what I was pre-pregnancy.   My condition is currently stable, I am following up with my doctors every 3 months and I am finally trying to switch to new blood thinning medication in which I will not have to go get my blood checked every single week.  So here’s to hoping that the new medication works for my liver and me.

I promise I won’t disappear anymore and I’ll be on top of this blog like Logan is on his bottles!


Peace, Love & Lo

  • N. Rarity