I know, I know. I have been super-duper M.I.A. It’s technically NOT my fault, due to Christmas, planning my baby shower, New Year’s, my birthday, and then doctor’s visits and registering for my Spring Semester. My life is one hectic ball of fluff. It is no excuse for me to stop writing since writing is the best way that I vent and also you know about chronic illnesses/being pregnant. It always comes across that I am complaining about my pregnancy because I am in pain but it’s the furthest thing from that. I am so excited that I am pregnant and I get to hold my little cub in a few months due to his premature nature unfortunately. I’m constantly itchy due to the cholestasis of pregnancy and I’ve bled out a little too much from time to time due to my inability to stop scratching. I never knew a pain until there was an itch that wouldn’t go away no matter how much I scratched at it and boy… was I in tears after. I want Logan out just for the simple fact that maybe, possibly, hopefully I would NOT be itchy and boom I’d feel 10x better. But let the little one cook in my belly oven and kung fu panda my ribs and stomach every two seconds… its fine. I had my burst of energy that every pregnant woman speaks about and now time for the downfall of sleepiness and drowsiness. During the work-day, I am exhausted. I fall asleep on the train now on my way to and from work and I cannot stop it. But once I get home and finally curl into bed, it’s brutal to even try to get myself to sleep. Like WHAT TYPE OF NONSENSE IS THIS? Granted, if it stays this way, then while Erik is home during the day after Logan is born, I can sleep and I can be up with Logan throughout the night. But we will see how that turns out. Another current peeve of mine is cakes and how expensive they are. If I knew how expensive a cake would turn out to be then I would have taken my cake decorating class a little more serious. I’ve gotten prices of 1,000, 960, 780, and 480. Like … whaaaat! The one I really, really wanted was 960 and I’m still trying to justify it in my mind but I can’t. *Shrugs*
My condition has not made this easy on me at all. Each day I feel like poo and with all the medications, its really draining. I take five different meds and I hate it so much. Once Logan comes out, i know i’ll be monitored like crazy and change back from injections to pills but it will be a long, hard process after he’s cut out of me. Everyone I come across that does not know my condition even says, oh wait until the second one. Like, what second one? Logan was a miracle. He is a miracle. He’s the one thing I needed when I needed it the most. I can’t have another child so Logan will be the best part of me. My miracle.
Life has been getting more surreal each day. The Baby Shower is one month away *EEEEEEEEEEP* and I have yet to start Logan’s nursery *BIGGER EEEEEP* I just have no energy anymore. Everything hurts constantly. I’ve wanted to write sooner, but when I get home I just want to plop down on my bed (currently a couch) and just fall asleep but pregnancy insomnia has gotten to me and I am up all night and I want to sleep all day. Each day I am getting nervous that I am becoming someone’s MOM but I cannot wait to hold my little cub where he is safe, in my arms.
This week was a very interesting one. Both my doctors (Liver and High-Risk) both told me interesting news to say the least. Let’s start with high-risk. We spoke last week on my bile acid and it’s affects. My little cub will now be born crazy early. I mean I knew this was coming because I am a high-risk but it just sucks to hear at the end of the day because it’s like you want everything to go perfectly and you don’t want anything happening, especially when you can not control it. If it was happening to me, then yeah okay fine… the fact that this now affects my son… yeah, crazy momma bear came out. I will be induced and scheduled to deliver him. So sometime around February or March, that’s when I’ll know when, where, and what time Logan will be coming out. I’m nervous about the induction because I’ve heard a couple of different ways that they can induce you and I have 0 pain tolerance. So, believe me when I say, I will ask for ALL THE DRUGS! I don’t stay still when I am in pain and I will pull away at every chance I get so they better give me a damn bear tranquilizer to calm my ass down. I guess it sucks that I won’t be able to naturally have my water break and freak out at 3 am while scrambling around to get to the hospital but then again I think I’d rather be safe than sorry. Since they will need a liver specialist, my high-risk team, blood specialist… i would rather be closely monitored than a free bird. Now, I am super close with my liver doctor. He was around since 2011 and he’s the only doctor I’ve kept around because of how serious he takes my condition. I can ask him real questions and he will tell me real answers even if it’ll make me cry. So the first question was if a natural birth or a c-section was better. He explained to me in patients with coagulation difficulties there is no data to back up a natural birth. So he will be surprised if they were to deliver me that way. With a c-section, they’ll be able to stop any excessive bleeding and be able to monitor how much blood I will lose, but they could also cut a part that will make me bleed even more. So both parts are equally as scary but a c-section is definitely the way I’m gonna be going. I am too high-risk to put my baby at any risk. I was a c-section baby and it saved my life. I’ve heard moms battling about natural and c-section saying that c-section is “the easy way out.” Bruh? Do you not see that scar that comes with it?!? I’m terrified for after because of course I’ve been doing my research and I know I’m gonna be in a hell of a lot of pain and I feel so bad for my parents and Erik. (GOOD LUCK TO YOU THREE AND I’M SORRY IN ADVANCE) I’ll also have to stay in the hospital longer than a regular c-section birth which is 4 Days, I’ll be in the hospital for let’s say a week, week and a half. They’ll have to monitor my blood loss, monitor my liver function, stabilize me back on my medication and also make sure that I can function. Plus lots of sonograms, MRIs, cat-scans of my liver (oh joy, like a baby ain’t gonna come right outta there). It’s definitely been a week of information and lots of emotions flying around with my OCD and my need to research every little bit of what’s going to be happening. Logan will come early, but I know my little cub will be fine.
I can’t wait to meet you our cub;
*photo taken by PocketPhotoz *
So I know I’ve been gone for quite some time and I apologize. From Thanksgiving, to Work, to appointments, to school, to now planning Christmas and my baby shower… I am exhausted. I have to say one thing for sure, all the mommas out there… people do not give enough credit where it’s due. Since this is my first and all, I did not know the pain, agony, restless nights, and overthinking that comes with being pregnant. I told my mother yesterday, I do not praise that woman enough for carrying me into the world because being pregnant is no friggin joke. With my case, as this blog is about, it is 10 times harder. I wake up in the morning and some mornings I feel amazing. Other mornings, I just want to lay in bed and sleep until the pain goes away. To add on top of everything else, I’m not just in injections any longer. I was diagnosed with Cholestasis of Pregnancy and it just means my bile acid is through the roof and the baby could be hurt but my doctor said peanut is a super low risk of being harmed. I’m also on baby aspirin to fight another common pregnancy called Eclampsia. So now on top of injecting myself twice a day, I take baby aspirin, two pills for my bile acid and prenatals. As I said, this isn’t easy. High Risk Pregnancies are no joke as well. I’m so exhausted by being in the doctors office every.single.week and I know after peanut comes it’ll be the same too but still. The bed is my favorite place to be in the world and sweatpants are my best friends but if you knew me pre-pregnancy you know 1. I would NEVER be caught in sweatpants outside and 2. I would NEVER leave my house looking like a raccoon or without makeup. I have mastered the both of those things now because it takes so much energy and time to put myself together that I just cannot do it every day or even months. I rarely do my makeup and I rarely ever put on clothes that look nice because I just feel like crap 95% of the time. Honestly, I thought pregnancy was a walk in the park but that’s because most people don’t show the nitty gritty side to it because it frigging sucks!!!
Counting down until Peanut comes out
This is my life currently. Wake up, injection, work, commute, injection, sleep. I hate needles. I despise needles. I always have since I was younger. I used to cry and cry whenever the nurse would come out with the flu shot or my yearly physical examination. It did not matter how old or young I was.. I hated them. It wasn’t until 2011, that I lightly concurred my fear of needles because every single day they would have to take blood from me for multiple examinations. I gave up, after a while I just gave into the pain except for these injections.
These injections are called Lovenox. The “less” serious side effects are nausea, diarrhea, fever, swelling in hands or feet, and mild pain or swelling where the injection occurred. Which means, your skin is basically burning off while it is being injected into your body. How nice isn’t it? When I first got the shot, was in my stomach and I swear to anything I wanted to punch the hell out of the nurse who did it. No warning of the burning skin but she just injected it and 5 seconds later I was screaming bloody murder. My cousin was getting upset because I literally screamed at the top of my lungs in the ICU because it hurts. I always had to get the injections twice a day and each time my parents had to actually hold me down so they were able to inject me. I couldn’t take the pain. It feels as though your skin is burning from the inside out and you become numb. I get sleepy and automatically am able to pass out because of the pain. Now, what is it given for? Lovenox is used to treat or prevent a type of blood clot called deep vein thrombosis (DVT), which can lead to blood clots in the lungs (pulmonary embolism). A DVT can occur after certain types of surgery, or in people who are bed-ridden due to a prolonged illness. W h i c h E q u a l s M e. Why do I take it in particular? I suffer through this pain for my baby. I suffer with the bruises on my stomach, with the burning, with the rough patches of skin now located on my stomach due to so many injections for this peanut. The first time I had to do it on my own, was in my car. I sucked my breath in, and continuously told myself that this wasn’t for me yet it was for my miracle.
Another way that my pregnancy isn’t an easy one. My boyfriend sees me inject myself and I see his face of surprise. I mean who really wants to inject themselves with drugs while pregnant? I don’t think anyone does but I’m trying to be the strong survivor I know I can be.
All the strong mamas… Keep being strong.