Defective.

Inadequate. Unloved. Hurt. Hopeless. Deficient. Incompetent. These are words that while you’re going through a rough patch in life you go back and think about.  You think about how this could happen to you and how much you wish things were different but they aren’t and you have to suck it up, put on your big girl pants and just deal with it.  Remember how my last post was speaking on my flare-up?  This week it got worse. Way worse than I expected it to get.

So of course it starts off with a minor cold. A minor flu. I knew I was sick but I thought it would go away on its own and then I would be fine.  Monday through Wednesday I was functioning normally.  Yes, I was sick and I noticed it started progressively getting worse but I thought nothing of it.  I was going to be fine and nothing was going to happen.  Wrong as usual.

I wake up Thursday morning to my mother slamming our front door leaving while I’m hunched over my bed on the verge of tears. I call my boss, letting her know I cannot go into work and then call my mother telling her I’m going to go to Urgent Care.  I start getting ready slowly as each part of my body aches in pain and I head out to urgent care.  I’m there for about two hours and they say I have an infection in my body and they prescribe me some kind of nonsense.  I say nonsense because those pills actually made me worse.  I went back home with my prescription, tons of pedialyte and a couple bottles of ensure because I did not feel like eating.  I got into bed, took those pills and then fell asleep.  I woke up about 2 hours later with sharp pains in my stomach that I only remember so well.  I began freaking out and praying that it wouldn’t last.  I was praying it was just a spasm that my body was having and I was going to be okay.  I decided to fall back asleep just to check but once I woke up again the pain was even stronger.  I called my primary doctor and he told me to go to the hospital ASAP.  I knew something had to be wrong because I was not having stomach pains prior to that medication and I looked it up.  The medicine clearly states do not take if you have a liver disease. I wanted to flip out because a doctor who clearly knew I had blood clots in my liver and I had complications of my liver, gave me a medication in which affects my liver.  I called my mother and my father and told them to hold off on the hospital because I knew it was the medication making me feel horrible.  I didn’t go to work on Friday either and I was on bed-rest minus the hour I went to my job doctor to get actual antibiotics.

The whole time this was going on, I was having emotional breakdowns which I haven’t had lately. All you do is think about how much pain you are in, how you wonder why this happened to you, why you are so defective and imperfect and how any one would ever be able to handle you.  These are the lows of having a disease.  Somedays you feel like giving up and Thursday was that day for me.  I felt like giving up, I hated this sickness and I just let it take over my body and I gave into it.  I wasn’t positive and I was incredibly rude to people who just wanted to help me feel better.   I gave into thinking I wasn’t enough nor would I ever be enough trailing around with this sickness.

It’s just the highs and the lows.

N. Rarity.

 

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